Aging

Every occasion I come to Chennai, I get a strange feeling in my stomach. The excitement of meeting my parents combined with the fear of facing the reality made me with mixed emotions and complex feelings. During my Initial trips, it was always joyful entry out of chennai international airport, as there will be a large gathering included parents,friends and relatives waving their hands as I get out of the airport. But in the last few occasions things had changed. 

This time I walked straight and book my own trip to my place and while walking alone witnessed a group of people eagerly waiting for their loved ones to come out. I spotted a couple of dozen taxi drivers standing with play cards in their hands with names on them. For the sake of curiosity, I read them all wondering, if one could have my name on it - even though the chances are less than zero percent.

When my parents were in their 50’s and 60’s my dad was fresh out of their official retirement and waiting for exciting things to happen. Their kids went abroad, settled down, married and had kids speaking broken tamil. The airports and air travel had become their new norm of life. Suddenly they were in so much of a demand - as  they were continuously got the invitations to fly to USA, Dubai and they relished that for the first few years. Slowly as the time passed by, after 20 years, the things started changing for them, for me and for everyone around me.

The reason - Ageing (British English) or aging (American English), defined scientifically as the process of becoming older. In the narrow sense, the term refers to biological aging of human beings.

This time, the first thing hit on my face was their age. To me it looked like me living outside their space was like living in another universe with time dilation. Everyone I saw seemed to have aged a bit faster than I expected off! I can totally attribute this to my personal view point - without affecting anyone’s sentiment.

It did not stop with them, as that very morning we got a call that my uncle was admitted into the hospital as he was not feeling well. My mom and dad wanted to go immediately and wanted to take a look at him and also offer their support and extend any help if they can do to make them comfortable. We took a car immediately and rushed to see them. My uncle who is such dynamic person, who used to be my role model and a very cheerful person was sitting a wheel chair. He had become thin, a bit pale and had visible pain all over his body. 

On seeing us, he hid all his pain and suffering and threw his hands to hug me and was having tears flowing out his eyes. My dad who is his big brother spoke to him, wished him all good luck for a speedy recovery. We spent a good three hours sitting and talking about how he and my aunt were managing with their age & ailments with minimum support from outside. My uncle was so systematic, even with all his ailments, had a whiteboard, with all medications, his vital signs properly recorded and all his schedules clearly written on them. He was able to recognize all details and narrated us on what happened few days back that made him immobilized and  hospitalized. My dad and mom were giving him all supportive and encouraging words spoke to the people who were helping him to take a close attention on him. 

As we were ready to leave, he asked me, “How long will you be staying this time?”

I felt hard, with a profound realization that as everything in life, I’ve to leave the frame at one point in time. 

I replied, “I’ll be there for three full weeks. Please let me know if you need any of my help”

He smiled, suppressing all his pains, and told , “No need  my boy, I’ll make sure that we will come and see you at your place, before you leave.”

I pressed his hand in comfort and told him, “Yes! You will get back to normalcy soon and I can’t wait to see you driving and coming over to my place. Everything gonna be alright”.

I bow and touched his feet as a mark of respect, He hugged me and kissed at my cheek smiled and said, “Very nice to see you! For me it is just the phase, we are re-living my childhood”, to reflect this inability to walk and talk normally.

As we were driving back home, there was an unusual silence in the car throughout our drive back. Images of my uncle twenty years back  flowed through my mind He used to majestically deliver many of his keynote addresses on business process reengineering before the top CEOs and before young aspirants like myself. My aunt is a great author, painter and avid worker on so many social causes and various foundations. They kept themselves so busy and bubbly and were always engaged with their surroundings. Now seeing them confined to their house and mobility restricted to wheel chairs and help from the servant was a bit disturbing. However their strength to cope up with this aging and resilience made me respect them more than ever.

As we approached our house, My dad turned back to me and said, “He is nine years younger to me!”. I could see a drop of tear popping out of his eyes. As we reached, my dad his own struggle to get up, stood for few minutes, strengthened his legs. I gave my hand for his support, but he reached out to his cane, took it and with difficulty started walking slowly and steadily.

As he was walking, I stood there watching him walking away from me with my hands still extended. At that moment I felt as if the time just went past my feet so fast and an unusual feeling rumbling in my stomach. It was like the moment, when something you felt a serious of emotions, but can’t explain even a single one!

It starts with

One thing I don't know why

It doesn’t even matter how hard you try

Keep that in mind, the path of free will or not one

To explain it in due time

All I know

Time is a valuable thing

Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings

Watch it count down to the end of the day

The clock ticks life away

It’s so unreal

Didn’t look out below

Watch the time go right out the window

Trying to hold on but I didn’t even know

I wasted it all just to watch things go

at a distance helplessly where I can 

neither make or break

Daily Routine

It was 4:00 clock in Chennai, India and it was already hot, a bit humid and kind of uneasy for an early morning. As usual I was sitting in the kitchen with my mom, making me perfect dosa. Not only that she also prepared a new variety of chutney (a condiment) after referring to one of her old recipe book.

My wife, always jealous of this would comment, “your intention of going to India is just to eat Dosa’s at 4:00 AM, troubling your mom”

My daughter would intervene, “Those dosa’s are yummy and I love them too and grandma wakes up at 4:00 AM everyday”, as she was with me during my last trip. You might think it is just first few days due to the jet lag, but not so. It continued throughout our 2 week stay.

My wife, “I would never ever get up at 4:00 AM to entertain anyone in my kitchen - let alone making fresh dosas”.

My daughter took the cue, “Mommy, sorry no offense,  his mom is a better cook than my mom”

I would move out sensing that the Tom and Jerry sequence had just began!

I started eating my first dosa with the special chutney and poked her, “Mom, is it really bothering you to get up at 4:00 AM everyday”

She replied while pouring the batter onto the griddle and swirling it into a perfect circle, without taking her eyes off it, “No! it doesn’t!”

She continued, “It’s my daily routine. Wake up, have a tea and might sleep a bit more, if needed and go on with the tasks to approach the day. It is important as your dad will wake up by 5:00AM to start his daily routine”.

“Daily Routine?” - I was so puzzled that such a simple world could have such a great impact on a lifestyle.

My vacation to visit my parents this time around took a different turn as my extended family was staying there as well. It was an interesting experience as I was going through and I took this opportunity and was not surprised - as I was caught by the notion of ‘Daily Routine’.

I could see my Mom and Dad well past 70s and 80s, still were very active in taking care of their things, not only for them also be a great help to the community around them. On the contrary, the other part of the house was in a different universe. They do not wake up in time, do not eat in time, do not participate in any of the house related activities, do sit with the computer for hours and absolutely no set activity at all - at the same time expecting things to happen for them. 

I was able to see that, because of their routine, My parents have the capacity of creating a positive behavior - however the others had developing to be moochers (with Mitt Romney’s permission). I usually wondered the that is inherent human nature to create habit loops by cue and reward mechanism. It is still a puzzle for me, how difficult is for one to start developing the habit of basic structures as the formation for the routine loops.

I have found the book by Charles Duhigg ("The Power of Habit:  Why We Do What We Do in Life & Business") an excellent resource to learn how to form new habits that enhance my life & lessen the detrimental effects of the already ingrained ones that are not healthy or productive.  Just observing my parent’s fantastic modeling was a seminar in itself in improving my habits!

I asked my mom, “What is your routine like?” - I was curious to see her motivation and underlying drive to set things for her, as both of them stay home most of the time.

“It is very simple. Get up early in the morning (4:30) , have my tea, take my asthma medication(inhaler), take a small nap for fifteen minutes, then prepare the breakfast, get ready things for dad to perform his pooja, the care of the unique different needs for the extended family and plan cooking..”, she continued as she was folding the dosa on the pan with a perfect golden brown color on it.

It has been proven scientifically, that each person must determine which routines are important for him/her to imprint so they are HABITS that do not require planning or much thinking about--like the absent-minded state you are in when you drive to work every morning (for example).  It is attributed to a tissue in our brain basal ganglia which is integral to this behavior of developing habits. 

The morning tea, short nap, food preparation, interaction with all early morning vendors - such as milk, newspaper, vegetables, preparation for my dad, etc. are all automatic to my mom.  When she used to live with us she was always searching for something or missing a step as this is not her ROUTINE or HABIT & she had to THINK!

I asked her, “If I’ve to ask you how to plan or set up a routine to the other people, what would you recommend?” My intention was to get into her routine statement and to correlate with the science behind it and get a sense of her accomplishment.

She calmly replied, “Start waking up at 5 in the morning and drink water immediately. You can go back to sleep after 9 if you want on a weekend, but those 4 hours in the morning will change the way you live! Knowing that you have a head-start on the day, you will want to plan out your day, make time tables.”

She continued and insisted,  “Somehow waking up early, makes you feel good about yourself and you wouldn't want to give up on that, once you start off.”

“What do you expect them to do during those hours?” 

“The first thing to do when you wake up is plan out briefly what you need to get done that day, and the last thing you do before going to bed is check an record what you actually did.”

She emphasized, “Start writing it down in this manner:

• What did I get done today?
• What did I do for my family today?
• Did I exercise today?
• Did I care for my friends today?
• What am I grateful for today?
• What are the three good things about today?
• How can I make tomorrow better?
• How much money did I spend today?

and this will guide you automatically to a routine that will fit your lifestyle”

I knew that she keeps a notebook and writes down every expense down to a penny, before going to bed.

She concluded, “Don't get me wrong, You can catch up on your favorite TV shows and movies every weekend, but it won’t seem like a waste of time anymore. Also, remember you create your routine, but never get yourself inserted into someone else’s and be creative at all times”

It was worth a minimum of three credits in Harvard business school along with yummy dosas!