As a person I’m not used to receive gifts but will not blink an eye to give gifts to others. I don’t even remember getting gifts in my childhood days. My wife, tried giving gifts in an uncanny way in our first years of marriage, realized that I don’t relish the sense of receiving - stopped doing so. It did not mean that they stopped recognizing nor loving me or my actions. It is the feeling that translate on receiving gifts made them uncomfortable, even my kids started ignoring my moments. It is in a way aligned with my own liking, but also sometimes gave the feeling of being ignored. It is a case of yin-yang, where my inner feeling is torn between being ‘happy’ and being ‘given’. I tried so many timed to reason out my inner sense, to see what exactly causing this classic conflict. I also wondered if this feeling is only mine or a common experience!
“I don’t feel happy at all and more over I get a weird feeling, when I receive a gift from my loved ones” - I told my son lying next to me during our sleep time story.
“Why? that’s strange” - he murmured and said “I like getting gifts. Do you have any specific reason for that dad?”
I kept quiet and started thinking - I guess, it is not only me alone with this feeling. Many of us grew up believing that it’s more noble to give than to receive. This edict safeguards us from becoming self-centered monsters — scanning our environment to see what we can extract to fill ourselves.
Recognizing others’ needs, honoring their feelings, and being responsive to the less fortunate safeguards us from the unbridled narcissism that runs wild today.
Yet there are hidden downsides to prioritizing giving over receiving. I’m referring to interpersonal relating, not social policy, which could use a hearty dose of the golden rule. Is it difficult for me to receive love, caring, and compliments? Do I silently squirm inside when someone offers a kind word or a present — or do I allow yourself to deeply receive the gift of kindness, caring, and connection? I do not feel the same, If I’d to giving gifts to others.
If I’d to articulate some of the basic blocks for this behavior should I attribute to as a defense against intimacy, letting go of control, fears of strings attached and may be my strong belief that it is selfish to receive gifts.
“What dad? are you still thinking?” My son, who is addicted to my night time stories, insisted me to reply.
“May be I’m brought up like that” - I said look at him and asked, “what do you think when you look a person like me, who does suffer from a self imposed pressure to reciprocate a gift or a kind gesture?”
He replied, “Dad, If everyone were busy giving, then who’d be available to receive all that good stuff?” - he slept.
Next day morning, after our first dust of snow before the new year, me and may wife were chatting in the kitchen with my morning coffee and that’s when I realized that there was a big package at my doorstep.
I was surprised and asked my wife, if she had ordered anything and she was as puzzled as me with the size of the box and she brought it in and opened it.
It was a big box filled with a tower of boxes filled with various varieties of chocolates with warm wishes and a note from my friend, wishing best for the holidays and remembering the year that went past with a lot of good memories to savor.
A strange feeling want through my spine as I remembered my son’s words. I spoke to myself!
“By receiving with a tender self-compassion, I’m allowing myself to be touched by life’s gifts. Letting me receive deeply and graciously is a gift to the giver. It conveys that their giving has made a difference — that I’ve been affected. I realized truly that giving and receiving are two sides of the same coin of intimacy.”
