Know Myself

Yesterday night, as I was channel hopping in the TV, I stopped at one of the Harry Potter movie, I think it was the second one. Seeing these movies makes you feel how time flies; those kids in the movies felt like they grew before your eyes. I’m not a great fan of those movies, however I always wonder when JK Rowling wrote such a complicated and a planned story. I tried to read the books and after the first one, I couldn’t. I’m not into fictions, however the book looked to me like more philosophical than a mere fiction.

I started watching right in the middle, when Dumbledore started talking to the little Harry on Wisdom. He said something like “It is our choices Harry, that show what truly we are, far more than our abilities.”  Wow! What a profound statement. I thought the wisdom and self-awareness are the exclusive bragging rights of the philosophers and self declared gurus. After that I stopped watching. I've read books on knowing self; which is so important for any philosopher as a starting point for his studies. The main quest for the entire human kind could be summed up as ‘What makes us who we are!”.

On another note, the movies trigger what the scientists call the reflective memory within the viewer, to put them on the scene itself. That’s the reason, we are moving in our seat during a tense car chase and feel for the hero, when his lover rejects him. Same way I felt as if Dumbledore said to me on the choices. I said to him “Got it sir,” and I started going around to seek what are the choices that show who I truly am?

When I was a child, as any other Indian family, most of the decisions were made by elders in the family and parents. However I’d a choice on how to handle their decisions. When I finished my high school, I choose to study in the science group. When I wanted to go to grad school, I took engineering and on to the mechanical department. What does that say about me? That I studied well and went to engineering school? Did I wish to become an engineer? On a closer look, is that even an essential trait of who I am, or is that an accidental happening? I was confused as how many of them were determined by my conscious decision or by chance or influenced by others.

One thing which I can recall as a common string was that I’ve always been stubborn and self willed. I tried so many things, took responsibility for the outcome. Even most of the time, I failed I did not worry or did not show my worry. Oh! I got it, now I can start articulating the situations and the choices I made.

When I was in school, we lived with our cousins in the same house. Together there were three families, close to eight to ten kids and many uncles and aunts managing the house like a public sector organization! I hardly had a family time, as I did not had a chance to sit and talk with my parents. My parents hardly came to my school nor intervened in any of my activities. Initially I was really sorry for myself, that I did not had anyone to take care of me. As I grew up, around 10, I started realizing the positive aspect of it. Non intervention made me stronger as I was able to make my own decisions and manage the repercussions. My first choice was to stand by myself.

When I finished my engineering, I had an opportunity to go and work with my cousin. He had a software development (in 90’s) in Bombay and he gave me an opportunity to come and search some work and in the meantime work for him. I did not gain anything economically, as I was not paid, I had a place to stay, food to eat and work to do. Then, I got another job in Delhi; I had a choice to make. To stay with him and continue the life under the shadow of my cousin or to start afresh on my own. I choose the second, even though it was not appreciated by many. My second choice was to be on my own.

When I was working in Delhi, I suddenly felt that life is going stale and monotonous. I felt that I need to study more than work and earn, which I thought would help me in the longer run. I made my next choice to quit the job (well paying) and went to do my masters. I wanted to offset the loss of income by working on the night shifts; thereby sleeping only few hours a day. Amid all difficulties, I completed my post gradation, and started looking for job. My third choice was to pursue higher education.

During my entire life, I was very choosy when it comes to friendship. Most if not all my friends were older to me and were well experts in what they do. I had association who were top class designers, supreme court lawyers, sons of member of parliament, very successful businesspersons, notorious characters and drug addicts. To me all of them had stories and experiences that I can listen and learn from. My fourth choice was the relationships I choose consciously.

When it comes to the selection of the profession, I always had a great faith in engineering. Also I thought computer engineering is not a profession by itself and saw it as an enabler in all areas of engineering. I decided to be a hard core engineer with a good computer knowledge. When the opportunity came to me to take up such a profession in Madras, I dropped everything in Delhi and took the Next available train and went down on an unreserved ticket. When I came back after all my six years, I did not had even a suitcase with me. My fifth choice was to select the profession that matched my expectation.

What do these choices say about me? I tend to seek out the uncommon and the uncharted, but at the same time I want to know I'm roots in tradition, family and health.

What wisdom have these choices brought me? About the people I moved with, every one was different and nobody is purely evil; About relatives, people who seem to do ‘good and helpful’ sometimes don’t and the other way around; About the existence of God, what does it mean by ‘exist’ or ‘God.’ About how to teach my kids, as the best way to teach is not to teach; About the learnings, I can never say that I know.

After all, I came to a full circle. As Socrates said, “The more I live, the more I know that I know nothing.” The more knowledge you have about a certain subject, the more nuanced your opinions. This aspect of not-knowing is a good sign, I think if you ask me - but who am I?

So always distrust absolute statements - even this one :-)